Eyes. Mind. Heart.

Article for myself: Turn my eyes from worthless things.

As Charles Spurgeon said, “It is the tendency of things that are gazed at to get through the eyes into the mind and the heart.” Worthless things in the eye, gazed at, become worthless things lodged in the heart. Our precious attention gets used for futile ends.

We understand this. Today we talk about “ingesting media” as though we eat it. Media goes inside of us, enters our bloodstream, and becomes a part of us. The Puritans used to call the eyes the “eye-gate,” an entrance into the heart. If you let worthless things linger in your eyes, you will inherently muse on their promises, the drawbridge of discernment will lower, and those worthless things will enter into your heart’s affections.

“Let not my eye betray my heart unto vanity” was a common Puritan prayer, echoing the resolve and prayer of the psalmist.

Ladybugs.

I was hanging a blanket out on the clothesline today and saw a ladybug. I let it crawl onto my hand and then it flew away. Moments are these are still magical to me. The elementary school I attended had these huge grass fields. I remember wandering through these fields in third grade at recess time with my friends. We would catch the ladybugs, see the different reds and oranges, count their spots, watch them fly. It was a lucky thing to find one. Silly as it may be, today is a good day because I found a ladybug.

The Everyday Question

I read this today:

The constant battle of motherhood is more subtle, more everyday, more hideable. At the center is one question: Will I sacrifice? Or as Oswald Chambers poses in My Utmost for His Highest. “[Am I] willing to spend and be spent; not seeking to be ministered unto, but to minister?”

The Everyday Question isn’t answered one time, with the birth of a child, with the planning of school, or with the decision to discipline. This question — Will I sacrifice? — is answered every day.

It’s answered when a child wakes early with a need, interrupting my quiet hour alone with the Lord.

It’s answered when a sick child keeps me from worship and adult interaction at church on Sunday mornings.

It’s answered when I am emotionally spent, but a child’s behavior requires my patient, purposeful response.

It’s answered almost every moment of the potty training process.

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But I think this applies to everyone and not just mothers. This question of putting someone else's need before your own is applicable to fathers, to singles, to the elderly... to everyone. It's what God calls us to and He set the model for us when He willingly put Christ on the cross for us. 

“For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.” (2 Corinthians 4:11)

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” (2 Corinthians 5:14–15)

Breathe.

I have this one memory of lying on our gray couch holding my tummy. I was pregnant with Little A and the doctors had been concerned about her development and size. The entire third trimester was just watching and waiting. Lying there, I told her, "I just want to hold you and feel your heart beat against mine and know that you're okay."

I remembered this tonight as I was holding her,
watching her sleep in my arms,
feeling her tummy rise up and down
in small waves as she breathed in and out.
My baby is okay. 

Thank you Lord for two healthy children.

You breathe life into us.

Psalm 139:16

Mother's Day Grace.

Whenever I look at my son, I'm reminded that it was him who gave me the honor of being a mother.

Side tangent: He learned to put on his socks by himself recently. Every night after we've put him down to bed and closed his door, I hear his pitter patter footsteps. Apparently he's been getting out of bed, opening his sock drawer, taking a pair out, and putting on socks by himself. He's learned to put on his pants, too and sometimes he puts them on backwards. It's funny to see him run around with a drawstring on the back. I don't think I'll ever correct him because all too soon children become teenagers who will care all too much about what's right and what's wrong. The innocence makes it sweet.

Today is Mother's Day and something I shared with another mother beforehand is that I don't deserve to be celebrated in any way. I fail every day and the hardest thing for me is to extend grace to myself. I fail as a person, but motherhood has somehow highlighted my failures even more. I see my sins daily in my selfishness, impatience, or anger towards my children. Being tired definitely makes me more prone to sin, but it should not and cannot be an excuse for my sin. Then I realized I fail every day because I am a sinner.

But.

Christ died for me.

And when He did that, He bore my sins on the cross.

Today is not about how I am a mother and deserve acknowledgement for what I do, but about how God gave me the honor of being a mother. It is a calling He has entrusted me with to bless and sanctify. I will continue to fail but my family member's quickness to forgive is a reminder of His goodness and grace towards me and praise God for that.

A thousand times I failed

Still Your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

I'm caught in Your grace.