Closer.

Ne-yo's song "Closer" is bomb.

On a more serious note, though, my friend asked me, "When do you feel closest to God?" What a question. I feel like I got so tied up in doing things for church, school, and others that I forgot about my own relationship with God. How sad that, somehow, God gets left out of the picture when He should be center stage.

To answer his question, I feel closest to God when...

• I'm outside. Blue skies, sunshine on face, wind tangling my hair. When I look at majestic trees spreading out their branches as far as possible. It's as if they want to soak as much 'it' as possible. What is this 'it'? Sunshine? Air? Mother nature? God? Just LIFE. So I want to do the same thing! Spread my arms and twirl around and soak.
• I'm in corporate worship. It could be a circle of friends singing with only our voices or a huge hall of strangers united by one voice. Music has this strange and beautiful quality of uniting people. When our hearts connect for something bigger than ourselves, it's even better.
• I'm in pain. I'm alone. I'm broken. I have to wake up and surrender each day to the Lord because I can't make it without Him. He's really the only one who's constant, unchanging, and prepared to handle me.
• I'm with children. They're not always easy to be with, but there are moments when they sit on your lap or hang onto you by your neck. No spaces allowed. The pure in heart shall see God [Matthew 5:8]. Their love is so evident that I can't help feeling and seeing God's love overflow to me, too.

When do you feel closest to God?

Draw near to God,
and He will draw near to you.
[James 4:8]

Whispers.

How amazing.

That the God of the Universe could be whispering to two separate souls. That He would be whispering to each of our souls because He desires for us to live life abundantly.

How beautiful.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. [Romans 8:28-29]

What-Ifs.

What if...

the chance for you to go to another country came up?
But you had to leave tomorrow.

Last night, one of my friends invited me to go to England with him for a week. I completely trust him. I know he'd take good care of me. We'd be visiting an mutual friend and staying with his family. They'd show us around for a week and then I'd be back. I checked my class schedule. Doable to miss 2 classes. No serious assignments due. We checked airline tickets. We found one for $850, which is VERY cheap for a round-trip to and from England. The one thing I really needed was my passport, which I had on hand. PERFECT.

If I had my parents' permission, this would be the craziest thing I've ever done. Getting on a plane the next day and leaving the country for a week. I'm crazy.

I'm 22 years old. Technically, I don't need my parents' permission. I wanted their permission, though, because I respect them. I respect them and I want to be honest with them. One of my greatest fears is that I won't tell the people I love "I love you" before I die. So in the back of my mind, I do think, "What if I never see them again?" I can't go out on a dirty conscious. My parents, of course, said no. They said they really couldn't stop me, but if I were asking them for their opinion-- No.

Why tomorrow? Why not later?

How could I explain to them that

• I've always wanted to go to England. Just last week, I was sitting in class. Not paying attention. And thinking, "That does it, I'm going this summer."
• I just need to get away. I need a mental break from all the transitions that have happened. I moved back home. Then moved again. I started school. I'm looking for a new community. I've lost and gained relationships. I'm looking for who I am! All in one month.
• The circumstances, at least from my point of view, worked out. Place to stay, locals to show around, friends so I wouldn't travel by myself.
• Sometimes, you have to be a little crazy to LIVE.
  

Most of it went unsaid. And you know what my prayer is? That I would be content with where the Lord has placed me. That I would be content with what may seem-- the mundane things in life. That I would see His greater purpose for my life.

A couple months ago, I took up the mission to be faithful and to do the right thing. Now, I'm seeing how hard it is to do the right thing all the time. My mom said that if I hadn't told them and just left and came back, she would've been fine. But since I had asked, they had to say no. Which is what any good parent would do. I'm thankful they just laughed at me. I'm pretty sure they laughed at me before they went to bed last night. "Our crazy daughter."

But really, I'm learning how hard but courageous it is to do the right thing and to be faithful. I'm a dreamer. So, even though I'll be thinking that I could've been on a plane to England in class today (which really sucks), this has only made me more determined to fulfill those dreams. I refuse to live with "what-ifs", because that's no way to live.

For now, I'll settle for lunch with my friend before he flies. And 3 hours of lecture. I will see England one day. Then the world.

"Wait on the Lord;
be of good courage,
and He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!"
[Psalm 27:14]

Comfort.

There are days when I just want to curl up on my bed with a good book. Gray sweatpants, oversize t-shirt, sunshine spilling through the window. And not a care in the world because I am immersed in an enchanted land. Today is that day.

Walking the Cat.

One time, I saw a lady walking her cat. This was one of the most ridiculous things I've seen. Leash around her neck, the cat stopped halfway on the crosswalk and caused a mild traffic jam. The lady tugged embarrassingly for her cat to walk. Of course, a cat has a mind of its own and it sat contently there licking its paw. As cars started piling behind one another, the lady finally scooped up her "domesticated" cat and walked on.

Every time I remember that incident, I always laugh. Who would be silly enough to put a cat on a leash? But then I think... what in my life do I try to "put a leash" on? There are things in our lives that we can't really control, but we try to manipulate it. It could be our relationships, our career paths, our hobbies. After some time, we habituate to it, but people who are on the outside can see how ridiculous we look balancing all these spinning plates. So I wonder if I'm trying to walk any cats right now, and if so, what am I trying to put on a leash?