The Ocean.

It's raining.
It's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
And the gray ocean heaves and sighs in torrents.

LiNK

This Christmas, if you want to give me a present, please donate to LiNK (Liberty in North Korea). I am not Korean, nor am I an expert on their culture, but the things that are happening there are simply atrocious and heartbreaking.

Run.

If I could be any animal, I would be a bird so that I could fly.
If I were an element, I would choose the wind.

I would soar and dance in circles around and through the eddies. Travel to and fro throughout the lands. In underground caves and over open seas. Perhaps that's why it's been hard for me to stay put. With that, though, is the concept that I was not made for this place. C.S. Lewis said, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I recognize I was not made for here and, inside, I sense a longing for something MORE. The challenge now is to stay here and be faithful with what God has allotted to me.

Since I cannot fly, I will use what I have and run. Running gets the things that I cannot express out of me. The funny thing is, I'm not even good at it. I just do it because I need to get out.

And on the path I run. I run on a lone path with only the sky as its roof. Under the worn overpass, around the golden trees. Boom, boom, boom. The pound of my footsteps woven with the beat of my heart. The beat. The pace. The trees. The open expanse of sky. The cold air bites my skin, but the sun warms my face. Boom, boom, boom. And in those moments, I am just me and everything is what it is. Things are simple, things just are. And it is so easy to see the roundness of the earth in the sky. How small I am, how great God is. Who am I, Lord, that you should care to know my name? I am not made for here. But while I am here, since I cannot fly, I will run. Because when I run, I remember who I am and who He is.

Daddy.

My father can be a man of many words, but not around us. I think children grow up with a need to hear words of love and praise from their parents. For first-generation Asian families, however, these are not often heard. In turn, the lack of verbal approval has affected our relationship with and perception of our father.

This weekend, God has pleasantly opened my eyes to the little ways my father shows me love. Without telling me, my dad cleaned my car windows and pumped my tires for me. It really touches me to think of my father willingly doing these things for my safety, but also for love. He loves me so that he does not need to tell me. It's not for praise or adoration, but really just because he wants to. And so, I think about what a man is like when he is unseen or unnoticed. What does he do when he is by himself? What is in his heart and in his mind? Are those things worthy and do they reveal a heart of integrity?

And I wonder, am I showing my father love in a way that he can perceive it?

Teach my soul to pray.

Jars of Clay.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through
valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.

Acceptance and Cookies.

Ever since I started grad school, I've been living with my relatives. At first it was pretty hard because no matter how nice they were, I always felt like I didn't quite belong. Didn't exactly fit in. I still didn't want to be in the way. As a result, moving to SF felt much like high school all over again. Come home, do homework, try to help out in any way possible. But tonight, my uncle came in and gave me gold. The garage door opener. It may seem trivial, but it was almost like they were saying it was ok if I stayed here for a long time. Acceptance in the form of a garage door opener. Sweet.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Borders is better than B&N any day of the week. The kids' section has a spaceship and planet pattern whereas B&N has a dull, bergundy rug. Also, Borders arrangement of furniture and books somehow make it seem spacier and brighter. There's just room to breathe. Not to mention, the restrooms are also cleaner. But TODAY was wonderful. I went to buy a cookie to eat while I read and the lady put it in this adorable Christmas bag (christmas stuff out already?!). She also gave me hot water in the largest size. Yes, I am a horrible customer. I always ask for water and I stay hours on end to finish books there instead of purchasing them. Does the fact that I buy lots of cookies offer some sort of redemption? Probably not.

A book entitled, "You Are What You Eat", made me chuckle. If this is true, I am sweet and fatty so watch out. But I also thought, I rather be sweet and fatty than a celery stick. If you were a celery, you'd just be weird tasting and rectangular. So based on what you eat, what are you?

Laundry

I love taking clothes out of the dryer. They're warm and they smell good. I could bury my face in it and just breathe. It's the smell of something you could just fall asleep in and fall asleep smiling.

My feet were cold and I was lacking in socks. No worries, for my feet are now donning a warm, good-smelling UCD sweatshirt. I look quite absurd, but my soul is tickled pink by the thought.

It feels good to laugh again.
To see things in color.
To appreciate the smell and taste of medium rare steak.
To be healthy.
LIFE!

Spurgeon

My hope lives not because I am not a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom Christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy, HE is my righteousness. My faith rest not upon what I am, or shall be, or feel, or know, but in who Christ is, in what he has done, and in what He is now doing for, in, and through me. -Spurgeon

Totally needed that reminder.
Thank you.

The Bus.

When I lived in Davis, I used to live one block away from the bus stop. Every morning, I would wake up at 6:30 to catch the 7:10am bus (the 7:25 and 7:35 were too crowded for my liking). As every student knows, it gets harder and harder to wake up on time as the quarter progresses. I would have just enough time to walk out with a piece of toast or an apple for breakfast the first 2 weeks. After week 2, I'd find myself doing the 100-m dash to catch the bus.

I no longer live in flat Davis. Now I walk up and down the San Francisco hills. I can tell when the weather will be good because I'll see the sun paint oranges and pinks in the sky. Walking downhill, I can see the serene blue of the oceans.

This morning, I decided to forgo waiting for the bus and admire the scene by walking to the next bus stop. Sooner than expected, I heard the ominous chortle of the bus engine behind me. Run, run, run. I ran down the hill as the bus roared past me. Run, run, run. Backpack bouncing. Hair flying. The bus dropped a man off and then started to go. I guess someone stopped him or the bus driver saw my plight (or crazy hair) and stopped again to wait for me. Breathless, I thanked the driver and caught my bus.

I couldn't help smiling. It's been a while since I've chased a bus and I love it. Pulse racing, heart beating loud as a drum, sweat. Well, not the sweat, but there's nothing like doing the 100-m dash to make you feel alive.

Waiting on God is like waiting for the bus. I stand there, I look for God, I wait for God, I hope in God. Sometimes, I'll get impatient and walk off thinking that I know better. I am anxious to see what God will do with and in my life. I am a little scared and sometimes I walk off on my own to admire other things. But God promises that “those who wait on him will renew their strength” (Isaiah 40). He encourages me to be strong, to wait on Him, to be courageous (Psalm 27:14). And while I’m waiting, He asks that I continue to be faithful in other things. Be faithful in doing my schoolwork, in accomplishing and learning things that I’ll use later for a career to honor him. Be faithful in praying for my family and loving them, even when I don’t feel loved. Be faithful in finding a community of believers to encourage and be encouraged by. Be faithful in exercising and having self-control. Be faithful in training in godliness.

So I wait and hope I won’t miss the bus, but I have a feeling that God will make sure I’ll catch it. Crazy flying hair and all. Either way, I want to feel alive.

Lead me in Thy truth and teach me.
For Thou art the God of my salvation;
For Thee I wait all the day.
[Psalm 25:5]

Closer.

Ne-yo's song "Closer" is bomb.

On a more serious note, though, my friend asked me, "When do you feel closest to God?" What a question. I feel like I got so tied up in doing things for church, school, and others that I forgot about my own relationship with God. How sad that, somehow, God gets left out of the picture when He should be center stage.

To answer his question, I feel closest to God when...

• I'm outside. Blue skies, sunshine on face, wind tangling my hair. When I look at majestic trees spreading out their branches as far as possible. It's as if they want to soak as much 'it' as possible. What is this 'it'? Sunshine? Air? Mother nature? God? Just LIFE. So I want to do the same thing! Spread my arms and twirl around and soak.
• I'm in corporate worship. It could be a circle of friends singing with only our voices or a huge hall of strangers united by one voice. Music has this strange and beautiful quality of uniting people. When our hearts connect for something bigger than ourselves, it's even better.
• I'm in pain. I'm alone. I'm broken. I have to wake up and surrender each day to the Lord because I can't make it without Him. He's really the only one who's constant, unchanging, and prepared to handle me.
• I'm with children. They're not always easy to be with, but there are moments when they sit on your lap or hang onto you by your neck. No spaces allowed. The pure in heart shall see God [Matthew 5:8]. Their love is so evident that I can't help feeling and seeing God's love overflow to me, too.

When do you feel closest to God?

Draw near to God,
and He will draw near to you.
[James 4:8]

Whispers.

How amazing.

That the God of the Universe could be whispering to two separate souls. That He would be whispering to each of our souls because He desires for us to live life abundantly.

How beautiful.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. [Romans 8:28-29]

What-Ifs.

What if...

the chance for you to go to another country came up?
But you had to leave tomorrow.

Last night, one of my friends invited me to go to England with him for a week. I completely trust him. I know he'd take good care of me. We'd be visiting an mutual friend and staying with his family. They'd show us around for a week and then I'd be back. I checked my class schedule. Doable to miss 2 classes. No serious assignments due. We checked airline tickets. We found one for $850, which is VERY cheap for a round-trip to and from England. The one thing I really needed was my passport, which I had on hand. PERFECT.

If I had my parents' permission, this would be the craziest thing I've ever done. Getting on a plane the next day and leaving the country for a week. I'm crazy.

I'm 22 years old. Technically, I don't need my parents' permission. I wanted their permission, though, because I respect them. I respect them and I want to be honest with them. One of my greatest fears is that I won't tell the people I love "I love you" before I die. So in the back of my mind, I do think, "What if I never see them again?" I can't go out on a dirty conscious. My parents, of course, said no. They said they really couldn't stop me, but if I were asking them for their opinion-- No.

Why tomorrow? Why not later?

How could I explain to them that

• I've always wanted to go to England. Just last week, I was sitting in class. Not paying attention. And thinking, "That does it, I'm going this summer."
• I just need to get away. I need a mental break from all the transitions that have happened. I moved back home. Then moved again. I started school. I'm looking for a new community. I've lost and gained relationships. I'm looking for who I am! All in one month.
• The circumstances, at least from my point of view, worked out. Place to stay, locals to show around, friends so I wouldn't travel by myself.
• Sometimes, you have to be a little crazy to LIVE.
  

Most of it went unsaid. And you know what my prayer is? That I would be content with where the Lord has placed me. That I would be content with what may seem-- the mundane things in life. That I would see His greater purpose for my life.

A couple months ago, I took up the mission to be faithful and to do the right thing. Now, I'm seeing how hard it is to do the right thing all the time. My mom said that if I hadn't told them and just left and came back, she would've been fine. But since I had asked, they had to say no. Which is what any good parent would do. I'm thankful they just laughed at me. I'm pretty sure they laughed at me before they went to bed last night. "Our crazy daughter."

But really, I'm learning how hard but courageous it is to do the right thing and to be faithful. I'm a dreamer. So, even though I'll be thinking that I could've been on a plane to England in class today (which really sucks), this has only made me more determined to fulfill those dreams. I refuse to live with "what-ifs", because that's no way to live.

For now, I'll settle for lunch with my friend before he flies. And 3 hours of lecture. I will see England one day. Then the world.

"Wait on the Lord;
be of good courage,
and He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!"
[Psalm 27:14]

Comfort.

There are days when I just want to curl up on my bed with a good book. Gray sweatpants, oversize t-shirt, sunshine spilling through the window. And not a care in the world because I am immersed in an enchanted land. Today is that day.

Walking the Cat.

One time, I saw a lady walking her cat. This was one of the most ridiculous things I've seen. Leash around her neck, the cat stopped halfway on the crosswalk and caused a mild traffic jam. The lady tugged embarrassingly for her cat to walk. Of course, a cat has a mind of its own and it sat contently there licking its paw. As cars started piling behind one another, the lady finally scooped up her "domesticated" cat and walked on.

Every time I remember that incident, I always laugh. Who would be silly enough to put a cat on a leash? But then I think... what in my life do I try to "put a leash" on? There are things in our lives that we can't really control, but we try to manipulate it. It could be our relationships, our career paths, our hobbies. After some time, we habituate to it, but people who are on the outside can see how ridiculous we look balancing all these spinning plates. So I wonder if I'm trying to walk any cats right now, and if so, what am I trying to put on a leash?